My Best Memories of Lalitha Ramakrishnan – A Mylapore Matriarch

The following was the speech I gave at my grandmother’s memorial service on Nov. 4, 2023.

Over the past week, I received a lot of messages from many of you: Via text message, Facebook comments, phone calls, and more. I noticed common themes coming up in these messages, terms like “unforgettable, strong presence.” “elegant,” “a fixture in our lives and community.” Many recalled that she carried herself with such grace that she stood out in a room full of people.

That’s true. My grandmother had a regal presence, and she left an impression. In fact, I looked it up, and in Sanskrit her name literally means beautiful, charming…

Perhaps that’s why my grandfather, upon first laying eyes on her, told his mother he simply had to marry her. Later, he wrote that she was to be the light that lit up their home. He must have known then that he needed a strong woman with a commanding presence by his side to help him achieve all that he had dreamed of for his life.

Of course we will miss Patti. I am sad that she is gone but I have no feeling of “if only” regrets for the life she lived. She lived a full life.

I know that a lot of people say that when someone passes away because it helps them cope with the loss. In the case of Patti, she truly had the chance to experience so much, and to witness multiple generations of families grow.

My grandmother when my dad was probably around 5 years old.

An adventurous spirit

She grew up in a family of girls and was given all the comforts and opportunities, and even more after she married my grandfather, whom she said never said no to any request of hers.

When she accompanied Thatha to England, she went to finishing school in Manchester to learn proper etiquette. She traveled around the world on a cruise ship for months visiting tens of countries with my grandfather. In fact, often when I’ve come back to Gainesville and recounted tales of my travels or experiences to national parks or sprawling cities. Patti, reclining in her easy chair looking up from her newspaper or prayer books will say, “I’ve been there,” “I’ve done that,” “I’ve tried it.”

So whatever many of us have done in our 20, 30, 40 years of adulthood, chances are that Patti has probably already done that. Not just because she has lived longer than all of us, but because she had a spirit to talk to people, taste foods, try new things– ultimately enjoy the good life.

Long before youngsters were shaking it at the clubs, Patti was learning ballroom dancing: the two step and the fox trot.

When she lived in England, she had to learn to cook for herself, which she hadn’t done until that point, given her upbringing in India. The limited Indian ingredients that she could find forced her to make due with what was available. As a result, Patti, to this day, will tell you that she can make an excellent sambar or rasam with just a split pea soup. Her culinary instinct is just ONE of the things I’m going to miss.

A Woman of Many Talents & Interests

She was also an accomplished Carnatic music singer. Patti taught me a number of Carnatic songs since I was four or five years old. She was so encouraging even when I went off key at times, and would push me to learn new sangathis or permutation of the same line. As my life got busier in adulthood, she would still try to convince me to sit with her and learn a new song or two, saying, “It’s very easy for you to pick up, simple paatu than. Only two, two, couplets.”

The few times that I would slow down and spend more time with her was more recently on weeknights, when all of us would sit in the living room and try to decide what to watch on TV. We could always rely on Law & Order SVU. Patti loved a good crime drama, but more than that, she loved just having all of us around.

That’s why after my grandfather passed away, I knew she would feel lonely going back to Chennai. I went back to India with her and stayed there for four months while I did internships at CNN-IBN and The Hindu. She wanted so very much for my stay there to be comfortable. She made sure I had a good Internet setup at home, ensured I had proper cell phone service, hired a driver to chauffeur me to the assignments I had to cover, and made sure the air conditioning at home was working properly. I would go to the office and come back pretty late and she would have waited for me to have dinner and to chat. Since that was hard to do on weekdays, on weekends, we would have more time to eat breakfast and tiffin together. One Saturday afternoon, Patti stepped into the kitchen to make me brinji, a rather aromatic rice pulao dish. I remember when she made it she had this feeling of being almost rebellious or modern because it called for a generous portion of garlic. Since it was just us to gals at home on a Saturday, she felt it was alright to be a bit adventurous.

During that time I spent with her in India, what touched me most was that every single day she would read my articles– and not just the big ones. Even the small articles that normally wouldn’t even warrant a byline. She would read those too. Just a couple months ago when I had written something that I hadn’t thought was my best piece, she happened to read it, noticed that it was written by me, and then called me to tell me how much she enjoyed reading it, telling me she loved the language I had used.

She was keen to shower her grandchildren and their husbands with love and affection.

She welcomed Jis into our family warmly. I think she secretly loved that I married into a Malayalee family because she was able to relive her youth in Trivandrum, speaking in Malayalam to Jis and his family. Later, she engaged Jis for hours about medicines, various diabetes treatment options and drug interactions, not only because she was truly interested in medicine, but because it was a way to connect with her grand son-in-law further. (By the way if Patti had continued her education, I’m certain she would have gone into healthcare)

Loving grandmother

I mentioned earlier that “Lalitha” means beautiful and charming, but it also refers to a divine mother who delights in being with her children, and that was exactly what Patti stood for. As many of us have witnessed firsthand, when it came to her only son she could not be away from him, but it was also the case with her grand kids, and great grandkids.

An example of how she showered her grand children with love: Because of the way Patti had been raised, for grandkids’ birthdays she would give some expensive piece of jewelry. Then she would be a bit disappointed at their reaction when they received it wondering why a 3-year-old or 8-year-old didn’t embrace the ornament that she had gifted with as much enthusiasm as she had hoped. I finally explained to her one year that while her gift was beautiful and generous, it wasn’t something that a kid could appreciate.

Just a few months later when Christmas rolled around, Patti gifted Sahana a large, soft teddy bear, which of course, was completely out of character for my grandmother, but was something she had done because she understood what I had said. Sahana loved it.

When it came to her children, her grandchildren, Patti was adaptive like that.

Finally, given the generation of which she was a member, Patti wasn’t the kind to concede in an argument or apologize for an action–BUT one thing she did pick from all of her time here immersed in Western culture was to express the words “I love you.”

After having spent so many years exposed to American culture, when I would say goodbye on the phone, she would say “I love you.” I don’t know anyone else of her generation or the generation after who actually voices this. Perhaps after my grandfather passed, she felt it was important to express these feelings.

Patti, I love you, too. You have lived up to everything in your name– beauty, charm, and the epitome of a loving grandmother.